The Old Can Change Right? – Story about myself

I am at that age where buying that shiny sports car seems like a logical idea. Every day I have been questioning everything I come across. I’m at an impasse on should I go right, or should I go left, and how will this affect others in my life. Should I even care what they think? I believe taking this course has come at a valuable time. I needed guidance. I mean I don’t think I knew the true meaning of what the good life or happiness was. I see now that I must truly change myself and how I view the world so that I can really achieve this. But, how do I stop myself from my own self-destructive character?

We go through life thinking that having it all will make us happy and subconsciously we are going through a daily routine. We get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, sleep, and then repeat. I mean this is how we achieve our good life right, by working ourselves to death for a piece of paper that brings our happiness. Our society has convinced us that nothing else matters but making sure we have the big house, fancy car, the perfect kids, the perfect job, and just overall the perfect life. But, are we truly happy. “It is argued that the theory happiness-is-relative mixes up ‘overall happiness’ with contentment’. Contentment is indeed largely a matter of comparing life-as-it-is to standards of how-life-should-be” (Veenhoven). So according to this am I happy? Honestly, no I am not. I had somehow convinced myself that the only thing that could make me happy is money. In my eyes, money brings about happiness and eventually the good life. Afterall, I am American, and consumerism is our way of life. I am killing myself trying to achieve this ideal life and I never stopped to think if it was right. It is not. I have learned that this path will never bring me to that happy state or the good life. I was being selfish and only thinking of myself. I could never truly reach happiness because although I had reached most goals, they weren’t really my goals. They were the goals I was institutionalized to think that I wanted. “The good life isn’t a standard of living. It’s a state of mind and a state of being” (Mueller). I realized I needed to change my entire being and train of thought.

So far thanks to this course I have managed to take a step back and re-evaluate where my priorities stood. I started to say “no” more often and I have been met with some backlash on this. I never realized how much I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I was getting the guilt trip because I was no longer funding my adult children’s “free ride”. I did some deep thought and realized that it was my own guilt feelings that fueled this free ride. I had been apart from my kids for two years, thanks to the Army, and it negatively changed my actions. Now, I am trying to look at the world from an outsider’s perspective. To see what I was missing. In my car I would just numbly drive by the homeless and now I look at them. I realized that most are worn down by life and I began to wonder whether our own society’s rush to “the good life” caused their circumstances. Were we so greedy in wanting more money that we made it difficult for them to find housing. That the jobs they tried to find were denied them because they did not fit in to the ideal look of a worker. I began to make kits filled with necessities and handed them out to the few that would take it. I don’t understand why most wouldn’t take them. They wanted money instead. I did not let that sway my new outlook. I began to look at the personal relationships I had. I realized that I had isolated myself on this little “Kacie island” and I had not really let anyone in. As Aristotle had stated, “And friendship is not only necessary but also beautiful, for we praise those who love their friends...” (Sachs, 144). I needed to change so I began to reach out for these personal interactions and I felt weird. I guess I need to continue to practice this as I am completely out of touch.

After all that is said I done I can only hope not to revert to my old ways. I tend to self-sabotage, but I know that with enough practice I can overcome. At least I hope I will. I had been doing good in saying “no” to people but slowly I found myself saying “yes” here and there. I got suckered into cosigning a loan for a car. Yes, I know I never learn. Those homeless people from before, I would think that they were there because they let themselves. I would subconsciously look at their clothing to see if they truly needed my help. I had to remind myself that that was not the reason I was there. I wanted to do good. When they would not take my little kits and wanted money instead, I would quickly think that they just wanted to go buy drugs. Again, I had to re-center my thinking and telling myself that there could be other reasons why they didn’t want your stupid kits. I realized I was being negative as I had always been. In my sign language class, they posted fliers for these community meetings for the deaf and I attempted to attend one. Well I did attend one and from the moment I got there I wanted to leave. I had to internally talk myself out of fleeing and remind myself that I wanted these interactions. I wanted to hiss at people. Who does that? My subconscious self does that’s who. I am a work in progress, but I am trying.

A lifetime of habits and thinking gets in the way of trying to be better. I am glad that at least as of today I can get a clearer picture of what the good life/happiness is. It’s not what I thought. I know that I need to change, and I am trying. And at the end of the day, I must relearn new ways of thinking and reacting. I need to stop being so feral and come back to this newly found philosophical society. 

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