Example of Self Awareness

Growing up was a little different for me compared to most. My sister and I lived with my mom and grandmother most of our childhood. At the age of 9 my mother decided to move out and live on her own. My grandmother was awarded guardianship of us and we visited my mother on the weekends. After a year of this, the visits became less frequent and then eventually stopped. My grandmother gave us an amazing life and I am so grateful for all she did. Unfortunately, she spoke mostly Spanish and didn’t understand English very well. This meant anything educational or school related she couldn’t help me with. I worked hard in school to make her proud even though I found myself struggling at times. I remember being in third grade and learning multiplication. I was the only one in class who was having trouble. All my friends found it so easy and I wondered why it was so hard for me. I would go home and cry at night because I felt dumb. I had no one to talk to because my grandmother wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want her to think less of me. One day when I got home, she brought me a bag of hand me downs. In the bag was a toy with multiplication facts. I would sit in my room every day after school for hours and play over and over. After about a week I finally memorized all of my multiplication facts. Sad to say that the rest of my school career was like this. Growing up with no educational support instilled my fear of failure.

Most of my decisions and actions were affected because of my fear of failure. This fear was powerful in my life and became an obstacle to reach my goals. I worried of what people would think of me and the constant negativity would race through my brain. In high school I took advanced classes because all my friends did. While they were out having fun, I was at home studying because I wasn’t as “smart” as them. I couldn’t let them see me fail because I wouldn’t be good enough to be their friend. I found my self-worth in my success and limited myself at times. Setting goals was hard because I wanted everything to work my way and failure would ruin that. This failure would lead to dis appointing the people I cared the most about and who were important to me.

I have come a very long way since high school. The fear of failure is something I still deal with at times but have been able to overcome; for the most part. I see where my fear of failure could impact my ability to become a successful organizational development practitioner. To better manage myself for the future I am going to acknowledge the fear, deal with it and use it as motivation.        

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