All i Need for myself is Love

Fourteenth birthday . Missed. Fifteenth birthday . Missed . Sixteenth birthday . Yes, you guessed right , he missed that too.

It took me sixteen years to realize my father didn’t love me the way a girl needs to be loved . All of my life I’ve suffered from uncertainties about my worth .  Although mothers play a critical role in the lives of their daughters, much of what women learn about life comes from their father. From an early age, daughters pick up on the way their fathers treat other women, typically their mothers.Through forgiveness, I found myself , my worth, and strength.

I always believed that my parents had a good relationship , but just before I turned ten, my belief was sorely tested when my mom and dad got into a physical altercation. I blamed her . I believed she cause it . She made him upset enough to make him put his hands on her . It was her fault . I kept this dumb mindset until I realized the painful truth . After their separation, everything changed . A year later , he built a new family with a new woman.It was like he had forgotten about me . Every weekend , I’d sit at the front door with my bags packed waiting for my father . He never showed . Ever. He never missed a child support payment but he always missed our scheduled visits.I began to despise the fact that I was in fact my fathers daughter. In high school, I yearned for love rather than a mediocre high school boyfriend.The anger that I had felt towards my father had reared its ugly head in the form of excessive self-criticism unfair expectations of myself.

What was always incomprehensible to me was his total lack of feeling for the suffering he inflicted on me with his absence .

On the bright side , my grandfather picked up where my father left off . My grandfather never missed a moment in my life . He was always in the audience of my recitals , complaining that he didn’t see enough of me . He was at every granduation, cheering me on . He attended every father -daughter dance and even showed up 20 minutes early . He was always present .He showed me that as long as he was alive, I would never lack the love I so desperately needed . On December 24,2018, my grandfather passed away due to complications associated with lung cancer .He took the love I so desperately needed to the grave with him . I built up tall walls and shut out anyone that attempted to break it down . During the hours and days that followed, emotions of anger and frustration ping-ponged in a triangle that included the ghost of my grandfather , my father and myself.The Bible expresses to “honor thy father and thy mother.” My grandfather’s death showed me that I needed my father.The more often my mother implied that my father was an inferior person/parent, the more difficult it was for me to have an open mind when it comes to my father. However , slowly, we began to repair the broken relationship. We found that we have so much in common , such as our business savvy brains and our love for stylish clothing .

I never knew how strong I was until I forgave someone that never apologized and accepted an apology that I’d never receive.For so long , I was trapped in hell . Forgiveness was my key to heaven.The love I so desperately needed was within ...myself .

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