Redefining Love with Social Media

In this age of digitalization, technology and media has become a prominent and dominant resource for everyone. According to an online article by Relevant Magazine (2011), studies have shown that the average American spends at least forty-one hours a week using technology, including cell phones and the Internet. In fact, according to Finkel, et al. (2012), thirty percent of seven billion people are currently using the Internet. The adoption of social media promised to allow its users to have one-to-one engagements and relationship building (Hussain, 2013). However, due to globalization and digitalization, this fast-changing electronic culture will impact the ways people approach love and connect relationships in the long term. Because of the dramatic increase of the use of social media, it has even redefined love in a businesslike and technical manner, negatively impacting individuals and polarizing relationships, which calls the people to interact in the real world and remember the human element.

Perceiving love, dating, and relationships differently due to technology is defined by Bauman (2003) as liquid modern life, creating a whole new way of life. With the help of social media and online dating, users are now able to connect with potential dates they would normally never be able to meet, changing the whole process of dating (Lawson & Leck, 2006), as opposed to traditional dating, which is limited to the environment around them (Gumbiner, 2012). With the thirty percent of the seven billion people using the Internet and translating it into potential dates, this gives access to nearly two billion other people, improving the odds of getting a date (Finkel, et. al., 2012). Professor Robin Dunbar of Oxford University, author of The Science of Love and Betrayal, hazards that using online dating sites can increase the user's chances by ten to fifteen percent as compared to traditional means (Smith, 2013). Because of this advantage, it has greatly impacted the process of dating all over the world.

With the increasing number of users, love has now become a big business worth an annual $2.4 to $4 billion internationally and annually increasing at seventy percent, even developing mobile apps in the process. These search engines have become an obvious gateway for love (Smith, 2013). These search engines claim success in finding one's compatible long-term partner. The designers of eHarmony, an online dating website with a slogan Online Dating Site for Like-Minded Singles, state that they have predicted compatibility and the potential long-term relationship success after several years of scientific research (Gumbiner, 2012). Most companies work in a similar way by matching the user's interests, personality traits, hobbies, or even similar value systems with another user, believing that relationships form based on similarities. Other companies also hire scientists to create top-secret algorithms that can match similar personality traits (Smith, 2013). One of the more famous mobile dating apps like Tinder operate on a simpler and quicker scale by using the user's GPS location, displaying photos of nearby users and allowing the user to simply swipe left if interested on the person on the screen and right if not (Ansari).

With this, love has become easily accessible. This technology provides the user with a seemingly endless supply of single, romantic partners who are just a screen away, finding a match with ease (Ansari). Consequently, this has developed a new dating culture, a relentless hunt for more romantic options. Confronted to pick from an endless supply of fishes in the sea at their fingertips, users choose to date in perpetuity (Pilieci, 2018). Adding to that, these sites also provide an instant gratification and confirmation with a simple swipe while the fear of rejection is incredibly low for the user (Jo Sales, 2015).

Because of the ease of online dating, love can be compared to shopping. When online dating sites give the impression that there are endless amounts of suitors, people start to resort to online dating, referring this concept as relation-shopping, where they hope to find the ideal individual for them (Pilieci, 2018). Psychology professor Barry Schwartz divided people into two types: satisficers, those who satisfy and then suffice; and maximizers, those who seek out the best. Because of social media and unlimited options, every user has now become maximizers. (Ansari). In line with this, Professor Monica Whitty, author of Cyberspace Romance, states that the current concept of love is based on a mid-19th century evolution of strategic partnerships, approaching love in a businesslike way (Krotoski, 2011). In this, people become critical and rely not on the information the other users provide but on their looks instead based on the photos they display as supported by Dan Slater's history of online dating, Love in the Time of Algorithms. OkCupid founder Christian Rudder states on his book Dataclysm that photos drive 90% of the action in online dating (Ansari). Because of this, these photos have now become a form of self-expression and even more so, self-advertising (Gumbiner, 2012). Relying on quick measures of appearances may mean users are now loving by thinking more with their heads than their hearts, looking at other partners critically similar to shopping.

Depending on photos to determine the ideal partner has transformed love into a performance. Psychosexual therapist Marian O'Connor suggests that the virtual world allows an alternate person or a digital self, where people act up for the cameras to create a perfect self-representation (Schau and Gilly, 2003). Because of social media, people present themselves in Social Media differently, more beautiful and more confident, which for them, might lead to more success in online dating (Lawson & Leck, 2006). A similar concept is the impression management, where photos represent first impression (Ward, 2016). This mindset not only includes the people as an individual but also as a couple. This generation has been conditioned to sharing private moments with public spaces, where these photos become a handpicked evidence of domestic bliss (McMullan, 2016). More often than not, this over-emphasis on a perfect love encouraged by social media generates expectations and hopes for romance, echoing the stories they see on screen (Relevant Magazine, 2011). Encouraged to cultivate an online persona, intimate words are even replaced by hearts and likes as substitutes for affection. Research suggests that these likes and shares on social media can produce a rush of dopamine in brains, similar to falling in love. With that, the process of searching for a mate online actually provides double the dopamine from finding an attractive person and the likes the user receives.

There are several issues concerning love mediated by social media, including the addictive trait of online dating. The doubling rush of dopamine from searching online and receiving likes make their brains can resemble brains of cocaine addicts, according to researching Dr. Helen Fisher (Arabi, 2018). Another cause is because of the low levels of fear when it comes to rejection and the instant gratification or confirmation, making young adults admit that Tinder becomes addictive (Niesen, 2017). Because of this ease, users have gone accustomed to an endless dating culture with endless potential partners, adding to the causes of addictive online dating.

This endless dating culture has also made people less human for several reasons. Swiping left and right can be seen as dismissive and allows people to treat others as disposable, reducing them to mere faces on screen. With this, people start to live in media rather than with media, where relationships become more about likes than sharing moments, inducing a lack of personal touch and interaction among couples. Also among the reasons for this is the belief that these scientific claims for long-term success by companies actually works. However, Professor Dunbar questions the scientific basis of such claims (Smith, 2013). Because even with algorithms, businesses still lack the capability or technology to predict real-life situations in a relationship, measure the quality of interactions, or scale conversations (Hussain, 2013). Success can only be determined over time by the crises a couple faces and how well they cope with their crises as a couple, something technology cannot do (Gumbiner, 2012).

As couples continue to use social media, this approach on love can have polarizing effects on relationships. Now, online flirtation and seduction are just a click away with online dating users developing a grass is greener mentality as expert Dr. Pam Spurr, author of Love Academy, warns (Smith, 2013). As maximizers, they are inclined to search for the most ideal one, so a person they are committed to may seem great until they decide to check out a few more profiles online, which can be especially damaging for relationships. The sense of power and control may turn out bad for the quality of the relationship. Adding to that is the idea of love displayed on social media as users develop expectations that are often not met. More than disappointment, posts can also incite jealousy, reducing their value of trust. Especially in a generation with an alternate persona online, it may be possible that couples may not be sincere with the affectionate words they post online, questioning their trust and polarizing their relationship.

With the accessibility that online dating provides, people will still continue to use this technology and social media in general. However, the issues that come with it cautions the users to take control of technology and open doors to new ways on how people should approach love alongside social media. In the era of digitalization, people should still learn to love and find love in the real world, not in social media. Social media has made love seem complicated; but it doesn't have to be. Social media shouldn't decide how love should look like, and appearance shouldn't be prioritized. A relationship built around the hope of perfection is bound to collapse because in the words of Reid Daitzman Ph.D., practicing clinical psychologist, A real relationship is one where you take out the garbage, pay the bills and talk about your kids. A lot of it is really boring. What people don't realize, though, is that the best day of their lives includes all that boring stuff.

Once people learn to love the real world, they should be reminded not to neglect the human element. Technology will always be part of one's life, but not to replace life itself. People must remember to personally interact with others, invest more time with the people they love, and make genuine connections, not online connections. Once they do this, they'll find a beautiful life companion and will prioritize personality and compatibility above appearance without the use of social media.

Human need for real-world love will never vanish. Behind social media smokescreens sit people who sincerely long for love. However, even being so accustomed to the world of digitalization, adults should still consciously be able to tell the difference between over-romanticized love and healthy, realistic love. Humans are supposed to live with media, not live in media. People have not realized that there is no such thing as an ideal, perfect partner; and one can find a compatible partner only through personal interactions and genuine connections because in the end, it doesn't only affect the individual or the couple themselves, but also the generation after.

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