My Definition of Failure

Every now and then you run into somebody that will tell you, I’m not afraid of anything, but that is almost impossible. We all come into this world fearing something, whether it would be the fear of snakes, spiders, or even swimming in the ocean. My fear would happen to be failure.

Failure has always been my biggest fear. I’ve always wanted to make my parents and friends happy with everything I do. I constantly feel as if I have two giant rocks sitting on my shoulders because I tell myself that I have to succeed in every challenge that comes my way. Both of my siblings haven’t done that great in life which upsets my parents, so I want to prove to them that they have raised me right. I am going to show them that I can graduate college and obtain a job. A lot of the people I know think that I am going to end up just like my siblings, but my goal is to prove them wrong. But there is also that mental block that If I make one bad choice in life, I am going to blow my chances away.

Expectations have always got the best of me when it came to my parents wanting to make my decisions for me. After I finished my senior year of high school, my parents suggested that I should go to college and major in a scientific field to become a doctor. I honestly felt that I would fail in life if I didn’t get a job that landed me a hefty paycheck at the end of every month. But the more I thought about it, the more I questioned myself. I realized that when I get older, I am not going to want to wake up every morning dreading work. That’s when I told myself I am going to do whatever makes me happy. I had a long conversation with my parents and told them that I didn’t want to be a doctor or a surgeon, but I wanted to pursue a job in the FBI agency field. It is always a pain in the butt when my parents try to make decisions for me. I have realized that they aren’t doing it to control my life, they just don’t want me to fold.

Another reason why failure scares me is because it is very embarrassing. Nobody likes to fail, but that’s just how it is sometimes. I have always been told that you must first fail to succeed, but I just don’t understand why? I hate that when people see you fail in something they automatically think you are not smart or talented enough for that certain task. That has haunted me ever since I was a kid. Every time I don’t succeed in something, it feels like I get knocked back on my ass and can’t recover. I tell myself that I need to get back up and try again, but why? Why try again if I don’t have the strength and courage to succeed? Like I mentioned earlier, if I make one bad mistake, it could haunt me for the rest of my life. How could I look my parents in their eyes and tell them that I failed because I didn’t do this, or I didn’t do that? Would they be ashamed of me? Would they think that I am not capable of reaching my goals?

Past experiences have also scarred me throughout my life when it comes to failure. When I was just a kid my parents had to file for bankruptcy not once, but multiple times. Still to this day they don’t think I ever knew about their situation, but I would be up past my bedtime at the bottom of my stairs listening to their late-night conversations. The reason they didn’t want me to know was because they didn’t want me to worry about the money issue they were having. I assume that’s why they want me to go to college and get a degree, so I don’t have to struggle like they did. That’s another reason why I have always been scared to fail.

I have always been so stressed out over the whole failure thing. I think I have to do this, or I have to do that, to be a happy human being. I just can’t tell myself that it’s okay to do things the way I want to do them, because I feel like if I do that then I will mess my whole life up. My family and friends have always played a huge role in my life by supporting me in anything I do. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have hurdled some of the obstacles that have rolled my way. I wake up every day worrying if I’m making the right decisions in life, and that is why failure has always been my biggest fear.

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