A Story about Myself, my Faith and Life

If you were to ask me why I believe in God, I would simply say that he saved me from myself. He showed me real love and worth, but I had to go through some things to get there first. I wish I could say that I could say that I have never strayed or walked away from faith, but then it wouldn’t be my testimony. Honestly, I don’t really believe my testimony started until last year. I live in a Christian household and I was raised in church. As a child I knew about God and Christianity, but didn’t quite understand fully. My childhood was a fairly normal one, but I was bullied quite a bit for my sensitivity. I was often lied to, stabbed in the back, pitied, and bullied by kids in my neighborhood and sometimes my brother. I said the sinner’s prayer around age nine, and was baptised around the age of eleven.

My friends in my hometown were the only ones keeping me sane at the time and then we had to move. When I first started in Tennessee I had no friends. I felt completely and utterly alone, unloved, and frankly worthless. It only escalated from there. By the time I had reached 7th grade, I was at the point of thinking that the world would be a better place if I wasn’t in it. I know see that I had fallen into depression. I would hide everything behind a mask and cry myself to sleep at night. I was overwhelmed by having people around me, who influenced me. I had a suicidal friend, a bully at school, and a brother, who often called me names such as useless and fat. I could never seem to make my parents proud and my dad was often gone. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about ending it, but I could never follow through.

As 7th grade ended, I was still slightly depressed, but I told myself that I would be more than just another suicide statistic on the scale. I told myself that I was a fighter. I still had lots of doubt about God. I figured that if he cared, he would talk to me. My disbelief led to being more easily tempted by Satan. I got into some things I shouldn’t have and tried to fill a void that only God could fill. 8th grade came and I just felt defeated and broken, yet I still had a mask of fake happiness on. When clubs started, I chose worship arts and the first day Mrs. Rains had us sit in silence and listen for God’s voice. We sat and I just listened. Then a verse had popped into my head. The verse was Ecclesiastes 3:17 “I said to myself, 'God will bring into judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time to judge every deed.'. I wasn’t sure if it was an actual verse, so when she asked if anything came to us, I said nothing. Later I looked up the verse and was just awestruck. I didn’t know what the verse meant, but God had finally said something. This made me really reevaluate my faith and I asked God’s forgiveness.

Later in the year someone had told me that they wished I would die. That night I was broken all over again and cried, but while I was crying I was also at a point where I was so broken that all of my walls were down and I heard God again. He showed me Ecclesiastes 7:17 “Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool-- why die before your time?”. That hit me hard. I really had felt an overwhelming sense of love, acceptance, and self worth for the first time in a very long time. Over time after that I really started to work on myself. I still have a very low self esteem, but God is still working on me. One song that God has really reminded me of is called Blessings by Laura Story. Every once and a while, God will just fill me with an overwhelming feeling of his love to remind me that I am not worthless, I am priceless in His eyes. Whenever I feel that love I start crying on the spot because I had felt worthless for so long, that whenever someone tells me that I am not worthless or when my dad says that he is proud of me I can’t help it. God has truly saved me from myself, and if he hadn’t said something when he did, I might not be here today. God has healed my depression. I am still broken, but aren’t we all? We are all just one group of broken people made whole by God. That is my testimony.

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